UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: The “Not A Baby Daddy” Dance

In the world of Daytime TV Paternity Testing, there is a beloved tradition known as the “Not A Baby-Daddy” Dance, in which a young man - having just discovered that he is in fact NOT the father of the child he thought he had with the girlfriend/wife/whatever who previously informed him that she has cheated on him many times over - launches into a complicated celebratory dance routine that includes a) jumping out of his chair triumphantly, b) rolling across the stage with joy, c) pointing at and taunting his onetime loved one, then d) chanting victoriously as the woman walks off stage. When executed properly, it is a marvelous thing of beauty, and this clip, taken from today’s Maury, is one of the finest examples this Live Jasmin blogger has ever laid eyes upon



Jonathan Schaech Scores

Remember Jonathan Schaech? Let’s have a refresher course: He was the d**k in That Thing You Do!, then went on to marry Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead star Christina “You Don’t Have to Whisk the Couch, Kenny” Applegate. Then they divorced. Well, it looks like he’s recovered from his “falling off the face of the Earth” injuries with a new light romance to put him back in the dimlight: Heather Locklear! Nothing like the hottest MILF in Hollywood to make you relevant again, Shaech! Look how well it worked out for that dude from Sex and the City who now looks like an abandoned hiker who had a little too much bison meat.

Though, in Heather’s defense, this guy is approximately 2 million times hotter than ex-squeeze David Spade, and odds are at least as funny… so perhaps this is one of those rare tinseltown relationships that will actually make it past the one-night stand mark. Good luck



LOHANVOLUTION: “LR” Revealed, Al Gore Mobilized

We pause from our regularly scheduled blogging to bring you a couple very important news items for the faithful followers of the Lohanvolution, way of the future-Howard Hughes:

In the Lohanifesto, you might have noticed that Our Dear Lindsay made mention of an evil-doer known as “LR” - a rotten, loathsome figure who may end up being taken to court and, if Al Gore has anything to say about it, executed. Lindsay, in all of her grace, spared this vermin the indignitiy of being named, but Lohanvolution supporter Goldenfiddle has identified her as one Lindsay Ratowsky, and by all chaturbate accounts, she is indeed a rat. I think it’s time we exterminate her.

Several of “Those People” scoffed at Our Dear Lindsay’s claims that she wields the support of powerful politicians such as Al Gore, but as of today those fears can be laid to rest as Lohanvolutionist Wonkette has posted a fully adequite Press Release from Gore himself that clearly outlines his support of the way of the future-Howard Hughes.

And finally, faithful supporters, we ask that you remain vigilant and keep Lindsay in your hearts in minds as she battles triumphantly against the demons of people writing about her alcoholism and night-clubbing. We’re happy to hear that she’s been sober for the past 7 days and, seeing that she’s underage, has never drank in her life before. Be adequite.



Pauly Pulled The Wease Over Our Eyes Again!

Earlier today we told you about the the hilarious clip of Pauly Shore getting knocked the fuck out in the middle of some bad crowd work at a recent stand-up gig. Well, according to the celebrity/”existence of racism” sleuths over at TMZ, the whole sex chat video (which is already a viral video sensation, having been viewed by millions of people in a matter of hours) might in fact have been a hoax:

“The Odessa, Texas Police Department claims that an officer “had met with Mr. Shore prior to his set, and was asked to participate in the skit. The officer stated that the skit went as designed and that Shore was not injured in the designed skit.”

As much as we’d like to believe The Wease had his Bio-Dome cold-cocked, these allegations raise an important question: Was this all just a shameless grab for publicity by a desperate has-been comic, or a brilliantly self-reflexive meditation on the transient, inauthentic nature of the modern media’s obsession with humiliated celebrities? We’re leaning towards the latter, as such profound lessons could only be taught by the man who brought us MTV’s Totally Pauly.



Catching Up With The Horny Manatee

“For $159, NBC, the network that brought you ‘Meet the Press,’ Milton Berle and the nation’s first commercial television station became the proud owner of hornymanate?

It’s a small price to pay for greatness. Everybody’s favorite horny sea cow continues to make waves (get it?) weeks after debuting on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. The Horny Manatee website continues to evolve, with new pictures including the Manateen, a Mature Manatee, and (of course) a Shaved Manatee. There’s also a Fan Art section, where people can submit their own Horny Manatee pictures. Because who doesn’t have a Horny Manatee picture?

If you want to learn more about the Horny Manatee– and honestly, who doesn’t?– check out this piece in The New York Times. It’s more revealing than the Live WebCam. Well… almost more revealing.



ICYMI: McDonald’s Throws Project Runway Winner a Bone

You know, when we hear the name “McDonald’s”, the first word that usually pops into our minds is: Couture. Which is why this jasmin live video of Project Runway winner/McDonald’s enthusiast Jay McCarroll showing off a dress he made from McDonald’s gift cards (modeled on the World’s Cockiest Milkshaker Kelis) makes complete sense to us. Yeah…. complete. sense. But seriously, if you know what the hell is going on in this vid, let us in on the secret in the comments section. All we have to say is, we hope Jeffrey Sebelia doesn’t go down this road.



UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Unhappy Meals

For today’s journey into the annals of the daytime television that goes unwatched while you’re working, we return to the surrealist landscapes of the Maury Povich program, today’s show shamelessly exploiting bringing to light the growing problem of obesity among America’s youth. Stare deeply into this garish carnival of insanity as two loud women scream at one another about the frightening eating habits of the little girl seen stuffing her face backstage on the screen behind them, while Maury looks on like some sort of deranged modern-day PT Barnum.



SIZZLER: K-Fed Planning To Learn How To Write?

I know we’ve given K-Fed a lot of sh*t over the past few years about being a worthless, good-for-nothing gold-digger with no real skills or abilities, existing solely as a parasite upon the naive sensibilities of an impressionable young Britney Spears. But according to this report by The Scoop, it would seem that Kevs is turning over a new wifebeater and finally applying himself to some much-needed scholastic enrichment:

K-Fed is prepared to write a steamy, scandal-filled book about his estranged wife that could include shocking details about wild drinking, alleged drug use, her sexual attraction towards other women — as well as her supposed belief in time-travel…

While we’re not surprised to learn that Kevin is planning to wring every last drop of exploitative cash out of his marriage to Britney, we are both shocked and proud to learn that he is finally going to get around to conquering literacy. Now that he will be able to communicate in means other than ill-conceived rap rhymes and fake gang signs, who knows what sort of profound insights Kevin will have to offer?



SAD NEWS BEARERS: Peter Boyle Passes Away

OK, everyone take your sarcasm hats off for a coupla minutes here, because we’re about get real. Maybe even too real for our own good. Peter Boyle, better known as Frank the dad on Everybody Loves Raymond and the Monster in Young Frankenstein, passed away last night at only 71 years of age, from heart disease. We were saddened when we heard the news, not only because Boyle was a fantastic comedic actor, but also because we realized that this evening, when we watched our nightly marathon of Everybody Loves Raymond, it just wouldn’t be the same.

Let’s go over that again: Tonight, when we watch Everybody Loves Raymond. Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially the first time we’ve ever admitted such a thing, on a blog or otherwise. Around friends, Everybody Loves Raymond is poo-poo’ed as the show our parents think is funny. Young people never talk about watching it. And sure enough, every now and again our mothers ring to say “turn on TBS… it’s a classic episode.” We would snort, roll our eyes, clamshell our phones, and immediately turn on TBS. Because, like it or not, IT IS A FUNNY SHOW. We don’t care that it’s about domestic disputes and dirty diapers and in-laws. WE LAUGH. And now, we feel free. Because it’s out.

So, you’ll excuse us while we pour a little out of our Metamucil glasses for Peter Boyle this afternoon. Cause we loved the guy. Thanks for listening.



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