Celebrity Converts

Tom Cruise has been actively recruiting Hollywood super-couple Brangelina ever since they had their baby. He’s offered Angelina humanitarian awards, and Brad paternal advice. He’s even lent the couple his private jet. But no matter what he does, beautiful, successful, emotionally-fulfilled Brangelina just won’t join Scientology.

Of course they won’t, they don’t need to. Tom’s heart’s in the right place, but he’s going about things in the wrong way. Every religious leader knows the best converts are people in crisis. Just ask Jesus, he’s already got his celebrity quota in the bag. Today drug-addled rehab-bound Pete Doherty told press he’s been talking to the big C, who told him to “pull himself together and repent his sins.” Now that’s the what we’re talking about, Tom, tough love on down-and-out celebrities. That’s the only way to play this crazy religion game. It also couldn’t hurt to drop the whole the alien thing. It’s kind of creeping people out.

Project Runway: Topless Kayne Was In Our Nightmare

Project Runway is growing increasingly more disturbing. Whereas in the last two seasons, even the villains and/or talentless hacks were still somehow likable (Santino, Wendy Pepper, et al.), this season we have Jeffrey, a weak-chinned miscreant who hotglues litterbox lining into dresses, and Vincent, who will be a shoe-in during next week’s designer straight-jacket challenge. Even the gays aren’t as snappy! Let’s take a look at this week’s most disturbing highlights:

The Jeffrey vs. Angela Debate: At first, Angela’s borderline sniveling/rosettey presence made us really dislike the girl. Then, Jeffrey’s vicious bullying attitude towards the girl made us Wayne’s World ourselves back to middle school, and hate him. Last night their bickering reached its peak, with Jeffrey harping over Angela’s mom and her “sad eyes.” Our only regret was that once Angela was eliminated at the end of the challenge, she didn’t give the guy a lanky middle finger.

Michael teaching Kayne how to model. OK, Michael’s no Miss Jay, but seeing as he’s “done some modeling work”, he should be pretty good, right? Well, let’s put it this way… his strut was borderline similar to the way we walk after one too many swills from our hipflask. Our favorite line of the night goes to Kayne, with his “It’s easier when you’re from the ghetto… I’m from white trash.” We hear white trash is beautiful this time of year.

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